Oh my God. I think I am the worst. I want to have sex so bad. I want to know what that feels like. So. Badly.
I'm sitting here reading about this woman's transition into womanhood and her challenging journey to do so (she was born a he) but I'm simultaneously listening to the playlist my boyfriend and I made to play during sex and I want to have sex or at least be penetrated somehow I don't even.
I have never felt these things so strongly. I want to know this person like I've never known anyone. I want him to know me like no one's ever known me and I realize just how dangerous and tricky and sketchy it is and goddamn I take things for granted. I take so much for granted. We could die today or tomorrow or so could my family and everyone I love and everyone he loves and everyone we love and everything could completely fall apart and it wouldn't be like the piece-of-cheesecake apocalyptic world of "Warm Bodies". I will be the first to admit that I have ridiculous expectations. I know it'll be awkward. It will be the potentially most awkward experience that we will ever experience. That it will be something profoundly uncomfortable. But probably awesome anyway; the physical aspects, the fact that our bodies respond in certain ways to certain touches in certain places, regardless of how poorly they are performed, might make up for it.
I hope so anyway.
I am kind of down on the moral side from the ways I've been.
Young, moral me is looking at older "backslidden" me with those little concerned eyes, probably crying for my sad soul.
She's looking at me all "This will ruin your relationship. And it will ruin your relationship with your future husband. And yeah, he doesn't share some of your beliefs, and I know that that hasn't stopped me before, but--showing that much of yourself to someone? Before you're married? Honestly. What are you thinking? How far have you walked away from our God?"
"I would tell you that you don't know what you're talking about because you've never been here, kid. I hate calling people kid, actually, I mean, I enjoy it, but I don't because it's a little bit patronizing and I don't particularly enjoy patronizing anyone--however. Dear. Darling. You. You don't understand. Well, you might understand, but you've never had opportunities like this. You've never felt this so strongly. I mean. Do you know how my vagina feels right now? Just. Right now. With these thoughts."
"You still have no idea what you're doing or what YOU'RE talking about. You are something else. You really are. You still don't get your dang vagina."
"Do you know how nice it is to swear? My Goddamn vagina is fucking fantastic even though I still have to get to know it! I mean! Honestly!"
"I let my friends swear around me now! That doesn't mean you should do it! Anyway. Alison. Do you understand what you're getting yourself into? What kind of impact this has on the people around you? What kind of example you're setting? Is this honoring to God? Is this honoring to the life he has planned for you?"
"...Okay, so my life is not particularly honorable at the moment. And He's definitely sending me a few messages. But. BUT. This is natural--maybe natural in the way sin is natural, but it's natural. He made your body like this. He made my body like this. Our body is made for these things."
"Did you not listen to your mentor last Sunday? It's like that because of marriage. To glue together marriages."
"Okay, but who bases their marriage on sex?...alright, alright, I know. I know."
"Don't say 'I know'. You should listen to your parents more often."
"I should. Fuck, I should do the dishes."
"Alison, you should still think about what you're doing. You have such a beautiful life. God has given you so many opportunities and he's made you for more than that. More than what you're doing now."
"I'm aware, kid. I'm aware."
"You don't live like you're aware."
"I'm gonna go do the dishes."
"Alison. You need to do more than that. No, you need to rest. You need to rest in Him. Haven't you been hearing that the past six years of your life? What's it going to take to make you do that? Will He have to put you in a position where that is all you can do? Are you going to wait for an awful event to make you rest and give it all to him? Is that what it's going to take?"
"I'll talk to you later."
"...alright."
"For your information, you're just as insecure as you were. And more selfish. It's unpleasant. Don't become me."
"I am you. You are you. The only you that can be is the you that you are. So I became this. I'm not happy with it, but it is what it is. I can't do a thing about who you are now. You have to do it, Alison. You have to make the changes. I can only sit back here and vent my anxieties to the guidance counselor."
"I know."
"Please make us something better. Please pray, Alison. Please rely on Him."
"I'll try."
"Don't try. Rest."
"...I will."
"He makes all things possible."
"Okay."
I'm sitting here reading about this woman's transition into womanhood and her challenging journey to do so (she was born a he) but I'm simultaneously listening to the playlist my boyfriend and I made to play during sex and I want to have sex or at least be penetrated somehow I don't even.
I have never felt these things so strongly. I want to know this person like I've never known anyone. I want him to know me like no one's ever known me and I realize just how dangerous and tricky and sketchy it is and goddamn I take things for granted. I take so much for granted. We could die today or tomorrow or so could my family and everyone I love and everyone he loves and everyone we love and everything could completely fall apart and it wouldn't be like the piece-of-cheesecake apocalyptic world of "Warm Bodies". I will be the first to admit that I have ridiculous expectations. I know it'll be awkward. It will be the potentially most awkward experience that we will ever experience. That it will be something profoundly uncomfortable. But probably awesome anyway; the physical aspects, the fact that our bodies respond in certain ways to certain touches in certain places, regardless of how poorly they are performed, might make up for it.
I hope so anyway.
I am kind of down on the moral side from the ways I've been.
Young, moral me is looking at older "backslidden" me with those little concerned eyes, probably crying for my sad soul.
She's looking at me all "This will ruin your relationship. And it will ruin your relationship with your future husband. And yeah, he doesn't share some of your beliefs, and I know that that hasn't stopped me before, but--showing that much of yourself to someone? Before you're married? Honestly. What are you thinking? How far have you walked away from our God?"
"I would tell you that you don't know what you're talking about because you've never been here, kid. I hate calling people kid, actually, I mean, I enjoy it, but I don't because it's a little bit patronizing and I don't particularly enjoy patronizing anyone--however. Dear. Darling. You. You don't understand. Well, you might understand, but you've never had opportunities like this. You've never felt this so strongly. I mean. Do you know how my vagina feels right now? Just. Right now. With these thoughts."
"You still have no idea what you're doing or what YOU'RE talking about. You are something else. You really are. You still don't get your dang vagina."
"Do you know how nice it is to swear? My Goddamn vagina is fucking fantastic even though I still have to get to know it! I mean! Honestly!"
"I let my friends swear around me now! That doesn't mean you should do it! Anyway. Alison. Do you understand what you're getting yourself into? What kind of impact this has on the people around you? What kind of example you're setting? Is this honoring to God? Is this honoring to the life he has planned for you?"
"...Okay, so my life is not particularly honorable at the moment. And He's definitely sending me a few messages. But. BUT. This is natural--maybe natural in the way sin is natural, but it's natural. He made your body like this. He made my body like this. Our body is made for these things."
"Did you not listen to your mentor last Sunday? It's like that because of marriage. To glue together marriages."
"Okay, but who bases their marriage on sex?...alright, alright, I know. I know."
"Don't say 'I know'. You should listen to your parents more often."
"I should. Fuck, I should do the dishes."
"Alison, you should still think about what you're doing. You have such a beautiful life. God has given you so many opportunities and he's made you for more than that. More than what you're doing now."
"I'm aware, kid. I'm aware."
"You don't live like you're aware."
"I'm gonna go do the dishes."
"Alison. You need to do more than that. No, you need to rest. You need to rest in Him. Haven't you been hearing that the past six years of your life? What's it going to take to make you do that? Will He have to put you in a position where that is all you can do? Are you going to wait for an awful event to make you rest and give it all to him? Is that what it's going to take?"
"I'll talk to you later."
"...alright."
"For your information, you're just as insecure as you were. And more selfish. It's unpleasant. Don't become me."
"I am you. You are you. The only you that can be is the you that you are. So I became this. I'm not happy with it, but it is what it is. I can't do a thing about who you are now. You have to do it, Alison. You have to make the changes. I can only sit back here and vent my anxieties to the guidance counselor."
"I know."
"Please make us something better. Please pray, Alison. Please rely on Him."
"I'll try."
"Don't try. Rest."
"...I will."
"He makes all things possible."
"Okay."
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